Something Different

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If We Had Cars Built By...

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared thecomputer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept upwith technology like theindustry has, we would all be drivingtwenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response toBill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr.Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all computer be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy anew car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and youwould just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause yourcar to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have toreinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95"or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, fivetimes as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would bereplaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you outand refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of RandMcNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need themnor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause thecar's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become atarget for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn howto drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in thesame manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine

Question To Heaven

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question.

To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate.

St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man guesses: "1228" "That happens to be right; go ahead."

St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."

Bear, Rabbit, and Wishes

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay..."

$100

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God
USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so
impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to
send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would
appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write
a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for
sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to
send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bloodsuckers deducted
$95.00.

This is Awesome

go to this site............its funny..........its not stupid like some of the other ones..........

http://www.crushcalculator.com/content/love/983481293

Dinner with The Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back,

"I had no idea your father was the pharmacist."

Little Johnny.......u gotta love him

Little johny's school is having show and tell, so the teacher starts a 'Guess Whats Behind My Back' game.

She goes to her desk and picks up a item. She says, okay class, what am I holding, its RED, ROUND, and SHINEY. Little Johny replies I know teacher its an apple, The teacher replies, no little johny, But I like the way you think.

So the teacher goes gack to her desk picks up another item. She says, okay class, what am I holding now, its YELLOW, and SOFT. Little Johny replies I know teacher,its a bannana. The teacher replies, no little johny, its a tennis ball. But I like the way you think.

At this point little johny is furious. Okay teacher, this one's for you, he stuck his hand in his pocket and said okay what am I Holding, Its ROUND, HARD, and has a HEAD. The teacher says, Little johny, go to the office right now, you are in trouble.

Little johny replies, "for what teacher, its just a quarter, but I like the way you think. "

7 Reasons Why To Not Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
very small.The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows wh at God looks like.
"Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture."
Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,'
or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "
And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red
in the face.""Yes," the class said."Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were line d up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:!
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Little Johnny Strikes Once More--Joke

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the

play ground and go into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy

and Aunt Jane in a"Passionate Embrace."

Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.... "MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."

Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story.

So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the

woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then

Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when

Daddy was in the army."

Some Times you need to listen to the whole story.

The Lawyer Goes Duck Hunting--Joke

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."The old farmer replied.

"This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot; now it's my turn."

The geezer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

The Moods of Man and Woman

The Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,

A woman is a bundle of contradiction,

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,

But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,

She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,

She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,

She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

The Moods of a Man

Hungry.

Horny.

Sleepy.

Letter From The Boss--Joke

Memo: TO: All employees FROM: The boss DATE: March 14, 2005 RE: Foul Language

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way!

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh!tting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . .
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh!t.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh!t.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: f*ck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f*ck cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: f*ck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f*cking meeting?

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh!t.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a f*cking prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck are you doing?

Sincerely,

The Boss

The Karate Chop--Joke

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea.
"The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN.

This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns.

Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

Phone Trick

Make sure you hit the = (equals) button after each step or it wont work

1.Key in the first 3 digits of your phone number into a calculator (not the area code)

2. Multiply by 80

3. Add 1

4. Multiply by 250

5. Add the last four digits of your phone number

6. Add the last four digits of your phone number again

7. Subtract 250

8. Divide by 2

9. This should be your phone number

The Analysis Machine

I know its kinda wrong.......but its funny....

The Analysis Machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

BEST JOKE EVER

I know its already been on here but i had to put it on again for new comers.......

You know you live in 2006 when...........
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1) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave
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2) you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years
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3) The real reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they
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4) you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just>pushing to button on the tv.
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6) your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.
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7) you read this list, and keep nodding and smiling
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8) as you read this list, you think about maybe sending it to all your
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9) and.. you were to busy to notice number 5.
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10) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was no 5
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11) and now you're laughing at your stupidity

if u fell for it..........post a comment

JOKE

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I don’t know what my son does. But he must be very good at it because he recently received a new house, 2 new cars, and a stock portfolio.”