You called the Mental Help line....

THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE MENTAL HEALTH HOT LINE...

If you're obsessive/compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you're co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you're a multiple personality, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you're paranoid and delusional, we already know what you want and who you are. Just stay on the line while we trace your call.

If you're schizophrenic, please hold, and a little voice will tell you what to press.

If you're depressed, it probably doesn't matter what you press, it won't do you any good anyway.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred To the mother ship.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maidenname.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the Beep or before the beep or after the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."