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Poem "To Artemis M."

To Artemis M.

I walk alone.
Down a road I shall not speak of
I travel in blood stained clothes
For indeed I am condemned.

I walk in a place that isn’t peaceful
Where unending war and hatred dwell.
Oh happy, is the devil
For on this day are many dead.

This darkness. I cannot explain.
I cannot bear this burden alone,
There is so much heart ache here
In the deepness of my soul.

“People rule this world
Not a god of any kind.
You follow ME and none other.”
This is what THEY tell you.

There are books on such nonsense
Where our world is slowly deceived
For indeed few know of
The Wonders of God.

And for this we pray
That more shall join our Army
So that we may conquer
He who turns against us.

You shouldn’t be frightened
Of what you cannot see.
You have to believe
That the Lord will guide you.

Slow and steady, you’ll find the way
For if you do not even try
You won’t get anywhere at all.
Obviously, this is true.

I walk beside Him.
This is my choice
For I am not afraid
For I have found the light.

Stuck In A Basement With Gerard and Mikey Way.
Name:
Age:
Favorite Color:
Favorite Food:
Favorite Way:	MikeyGerard
Gerard Would:	ask you to marry him
Mikey Would:	kill you with his Bass
In The Morning You Would:	wake up beside Gerard in a corner
In The End You:	dead and thrown in a river
They Liked You This Much: - 29%
Will You Meet Them Again?:	(8) - It is certain. - (8)
This fun quiz by TwilightedMelody - Taken 108 Times.

New - Kwiz.Biz Astrology and Horoscopes

Something Different

I now have a MySpace. However, I will continue to use this blog and post on it as regularly as I do. If you have a MySpace and are an avid reader to this site, you might want to check it out. Click Here

If We Had Cars Built By...

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared thecomputer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept upwith technology like theindustry has, we would all be drivingtwenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response toBill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr.Welch himself): If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all computer be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy anew car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and youwould just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause yourcar to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have toreinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95"or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, fivetimes as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would bereplaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

10. Occasionally, and for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you outand refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of RandMcNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need themnor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause thecar's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become atarget for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn howto drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in thesame manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine

Question To Heaven

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question.

To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?" The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate.

St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man guesses: "1228" "That happens to be right; go ahead."

St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."

Bear, Rabbit, and Wishes

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay..."

$100

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God
USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so
impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to
send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would
appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write
a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for
sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to
send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bloodsuckers deducted
$95.00.

This is Awesome

go to this site............its funny..........its not stupid like some of the other ones..........

http://www.crushcalculator.com/content/love/983481293

Dinner with The Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back,

"I had no idea your father was the pharmacist."

Little Johnny.......u gotta love him

Little johny's school is having show and tell, so the teacher starts a 'Guess Whats Behind My Back' game.

She goes to her desk and picks up a item. She says, okay class, what am I holding, its RED, ROUND, and SHINEY. Little Johny replies I know teacher its an apple, The teacher replies, no little johny, But I like the way you think.

So the teacher goes gack to her desk picks up another item. She says, okay class, what am I holding now, its YELLOW, and SOFT. Little Johny replies I know teacher,its a bannana. The teacher replies, no little johny, its a tennis ball. But I like the way you think.

At this point little johny is furious. Okay teacher, this one's for you, he stuck his hand in his pocket and said okay what am I Holding, Its ROUND, HARD, and has a HEAD. The teacher says, Little johny, go to the office right now, you are in trouble.

Little johny replies, "for what teacher, its just a quarter, but I like the way you think. "

7 Reasons Why To Not Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow
a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
very small.The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows wh at God looks like.
"Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds.After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?"Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and
then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying
to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture."
Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,'
or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "
And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my
head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red
in the face.""Yes," the class said."Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted,"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were line d up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:!
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table
was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Little Johnny Strikes Once More--Joke

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the

play ground and go into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy

and Aunt Jane in a"Passionate Embrace."

Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.... "MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."

Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story.

So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the

woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and....."then

Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when

Daddy was in the army."

Some Times you need to listen to the whole story.

The Lawyer Goes Duck Hunting--Joke

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."The old farmer replied.

"This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot; now it's my turn."

The geezer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

The Moods of Man and Woman

The Moods of a Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,

A woman is a bundle of contradiction,

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,

But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,

She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,

She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,

She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

The Moods of a Man

Hungry.

Horny.

Sleepy.

Letter From The Boss--Joke

Memo: TO: All employees FROM: The boss DATE: March 14, 2005 RE: Foul Language

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the f*ck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f*cking way!

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh!tting me.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . .
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh!t.

TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh!t.

TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f*cking problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck?

TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: f*ck it, it won't work.

TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f*ck cares?

TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: f*ck it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f*cking meeting?

TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a sh!t.

TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a f*cking prick.

TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: What the f*ck are you doing?

Sincerely,

The Boss

The Karate Chop--Joke

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea.
"The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN.

This time he says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returns.

Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.

Phone Trick

Make sure you hit the = (equals) button after each step or it wont work

1.Key in the first 3 digits of your phone number into a calculator (not the area code)

2. Multiply by 80

3. Add 1

4. Multiply by 250

5. Add the last four digits of your phone number

6. Add the last four digits of your phone number again

7. Subtract 250

8. Divide by 2

9. This should be your phone number

The Analysis Machine

I know its kinda wrong.......but its funny....

The Analysis Machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

BEST JOKE EVER

I know its already been on here but i had to put it on again for new comers.......

You know you live in 2006 when...........
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2) you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years
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3) The real reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they
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4) you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just>pushing to button on the tv.
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6) your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.
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7) you read this list, and keep nodding and smiling
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8) as you read this list, you think about maybe sending it to all your
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9) and.. you were to busy to notice number 5.
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10) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was no 5
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11) and now you're laughing at your stupidity

if u fell for it..........post a comment

JOKE

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I don’t know what my son does. But he must be very good at it because he recently received a new house, 2 new cars, and a stock portfolio.”

YAY

YAY i got my laptop!!!! YAY!!!!!

Blonde MAN

This proves that their are BLONDE MEN out there.

                                                  Blonde Man's Lunch

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building,"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or Enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much!"

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."

 

 

My Cell Phone Number

If you want my cell phone number..........check ur email.........cause im only giving it to ppl who gave me there addresses.......MY FRIENDS who never email me so hopefully they'll call.
if u know i dont have ur address....yet you have my site address u freak.....email me at getsk3wled@yahoo.com and request it..........just tell me who you are so i can refuse it if i dont know you
best wishes
-----getsk3wled

GET HER BACK!!!

::NOTE::
Bad stuff's sensored...but the stuff she wrote wasnt

Ok this freak put this comment on my friend ben's site..........
"Fat people scare me, because if they sit on you you'll suffocate and die! All Fat people do is eat and eat and eat mcdonalds. Big Mac anyone? Gross you f*cker. I wish all the fat and obese people would blow up or be sent to their own planet called FATURN! Oh wait I forgot that all the fat people in the world would be to heavy and the planet would fall from the sky! Fat people this is for you go away and never come back or lose weight why don't ya and stop eating those Big Macs all they do is make you fatter. mmmkay b*tches."

Lets get this b*tch back!!!!!
http://www.xanga.com/Fat_Is_Gross
You have to have a xanga to leave a comment @ her site. So put what u'd say to her as a comment to me (click the comment box) and i'll post it under my xanga.

sorry for the language...........

Picture of my boyfriend

This is Dustin

Fluffy the Magic Farret

This is the story my boyfriend wrote. Its great.

fluffy the magic farret lived by the water pudlle he had a lepercon friend and liked a fish and a monkye named bod then he liked a bare and he was name flooc y john and he married a penguen name lo lo lo lo pe ep pe weeeee

by dustin kelley

The Man Who Loved Baked Beans

okay i know this is REALLY gross, but the joke is really funny....u should get a hint from the title

The Man who loved baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests
seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Weird Facts Vol. 1

Vol. 1 means there will be more...............

Weird, Amazing, and Useless Facts

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other million people in the world?

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two

inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

Polar bears are left-handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter was Tom Sawyer.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the

keyboard.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

2 Things

First off. HAPPY BIRTHDAY EMILY!!!!  and thanx for letting me over to ur house.

Second.  Since Dustin ur probably reading this at emily's, i just wanted to say

                      jIH muSHa' SoH

which mean i love you.   check out the rest of this site and check ur email, theres gonna be lots

When life gives you lemons, find someone whos life gives them vodka and have a party.

True Story

My uncle Danny used to work at K-MART.  Now he works at Wal-Mart. 

One day he was on the PA System and accidentally said, " Attention K-Mart shoppers," and to save himself from being fired he finished it by, "you're in the wrong store"

a long time....

Today this guy in my school asked me out. Its a big thing for me cause i am SOOO not used to it. His name is Dustin Kelley. And to tell you the truth.........even though i am just now going out with him........i havent been this happy in a while. I was getting a little depressed "cause no one loves me" and now i am all better. YAY!! I mean it really made my day to hear that.........it was a good day. My only regret it that he was gone today (all jrs go to a field trip) and i wont be able to see him over Thanksgiving break. : ( but i am happy now. Its great to know.............heres thought for the day
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

i dunno

WOW. For once i dont know what to put on here...............

::EDIT::

ok nick holmes made me so mad today......he was being a real jerk......and my crush barely talks to me................and James is still depressive..............stress in english cause i never understood adverbs............Dustin's upset because of his breakup with wendy...........i have a part in the PLAY TOMORROW.............and i dont know my lines that well cause i'm a replacement for Sheri and i got them WEDNESDAY.................i dont know if i can do it!!!!!! i'm so nervous..............i cant project my voice that well and haven't practiced it with the cast enough.....THERE WAS ONLY ONE REHERSAL!!!!!!!! no ones emailing me.........i had to talk to jason j. but he hasnt responded to anything..........help me anybody

::EDIT:

ok a little better now...............no one has emailed me yet though..... grrrrrrrrr!

Who's smarter...Doctor or the Lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor.

"Sure, after the police leave," replied the lawyer.

FAVORITE SONG IN WHOLE WIDE WORLD

If i can get it on here, you can listen to it.....it works when you put it with the music........

THE BEST FREAKING SONG EVER!!!!

Wasteland

by

10 years

Change my attempt good intentions

Crouched over
You were not there
Living in fear
But signs were not really that scarce
Obvious tears
But I will not
Hide you through this
I want you to help
And please see
The bleeding heart perched on my shirt

Die, withdraw
Hide in cold sweat
Quivering lips
Ignore remorse
Naming a kid, living wasteland
This time you've tried
All that you can turning you red

Change my attempt good intentions
Should I, could I
Here we are with your obsession
Should I, could I

Crowned hopeless
The article read living wasteland
This time you've tried
All that you can turning you red
but I will not
Hide you through this
I want you to help

Change my attempt good intentions
Should I, could I
Here we are with your obsession
Should I, could I

Heave the silver hollow sliver
Piercing through another victim
Turn and tremble be judgmental
Ignorant to all the symbols
Blind the face with beauty paste
Eventually you'll one day know

Change my attempt good intentions
Limbs tied, skin tight
Self inflicted his perdition
Should I, could I

Change my attempt good intentions
Should I, could I
Should I, could I

somebody email me

Somebody email me something to put on here......!

Hack your PSP

You have to HAVE a PSP to do this.......other than that its free. Comment (and leave responding address) for tech support

HOW TO: WATCH ANY VIDEO FILE
1) Pick up a 512-megabyte or 1-gigabyte Memory Stick Pro Duo (512 megabyte from $60; find the best prices at dealram.com).
2) Download the free application PSP Video 9 (pspvideo9.com) or, if you’re on a Mac, ffmpegX (free; homepage.mac.com/major4). Both convert any .avi, .mov, .mpg or .wmv file to play on your PSP. Other options: iPSP ($20; ipsp.kaisakura.com), available for Mac and PC, which also loads your digital photos and music files, and the Windows-only XilisoftDVD to PSP Suite ($45; xilisoft.com), which lets you convert a whole DVD or just selected parts.
3) Open your converter program and adjust the settings. Leave the resolution at 320x240, but choose a setting that uses 15 fps (instead of 30 fps) to fit two hours of video on a 512-megabyte Stick.
4) Attach your PSP to your computer with a USB cable or put your Memory Stick in a card reader to transfer your converted file.

HOW TO: PLAY FREE ARCADE GAMES
Since the day Sony released the PSP, hackers have been trying to make it run homebrew applications from the Memory Stick, and they’ve finally succeeded. The basic games these amateur programmers create aren’t meant to supplant the big-budget commercial titles, just to give you a free alternative. So far, only a few PSP-specific homemade games exist, but you can also run emulators that let you play games designed for other systems, such as the Game Boy or Super Nintendo. Best of all, these games are tiny (usually less than 50 kilobytes), so you can keeps dozens loaded on your PSP.
Tetris and Pac-Man and classics such as blackjack are clones are among the first free homebrew games built for the PSP.
1)Download and unzip flashenabled. com/h20/psp/games.zip, a folder that contains the homebrew PSP games above and a Super Nintendo (SNES) emulator with a handful of game files (also called roms).
2) Go to flashenabled.com/h20/psp/kxploit_1.5.zip to download KXploit. Once installed, choose “Idioma” and select English.
3) Open KXploit . In the Name box, type a name for the app file you want to load—SNES, for example, for the emulator.
4) Click the “ . . . ” button and navigate to the folder you downloaded, then to the SNES folder, and select the EBOOT.PBP file inside. (Homebrew PSP apps are all called
EBOOT.PBP.)
5) Connect your PSP to your computer and select it from the drop-down menu (it’s often drive e: or f:).
6) Click the "Generate files" button. This will create two folders—called, in our example, SNES and SNES%—on the Memory Stick inside PSP > Game. Now put the SNES games (.smc files) in the SNES% folder.
7) Unplug your PSP and navigate to Game, then to Memory Stick, and select the Launcher app. Go to the SNES% folder to choose a game.
8) To load other games, such as PSPTetris, repeat steps 3 through 6 using a new name and the EBOOT.PBP file for that application.

More Secret PSP Tricks
1)Browse the Web Sony’s latest firmware (version 2.0) includes a Web browser, but updating your PSP could cripple the homebrew hack above. Instead use the Downloads function of the commercial game Wipeout Pure (and a simple settings change on the PSP) to surf anywhere on the Web at any hotspot. Learn more at popsci.com/h20.
2) Get RSS feeds MioMediaBox (free; mioplanet.com) is a Windows app that converts RSS feeds into PSP-compatible images and transfers them to your Memory Stick when you connect your PSP to your PC.
3)Read eBooks Turn any text file into an eBook you can read on the PSP with PSPphoto (free; tokyopia.com).

I know..........u guys love me................

Check these out

go to google.com and type in " failure " then click the "im feeling lucky" button.............watch which page comes up!!

Love bubble wrap? pop all you want at
http://www.snapbubbles.com/

Watch music parodies at
http://www.videoparodies.com/

find hidden messages in songs
http://www.talkbackwards.com/

Prank your Friends
http://www.strangereports.com/

Funny Signs around the World
http://www.signhumor.com/

Have a Virtual staring contest with the computer
http://www.staregame.com/


thats all for now......check back in a week

Real Police Story

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no, but explained the situation. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George:
"I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

3 Trees-----serious story

3 Trees

Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods. They werediscussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, "Someday Ihope to be a treasure chest. I could be filled with gold, silver, andprecious gems. I could be decorated with intricate carving and everyonewould see the beauty."

Then the second tree said, "Someday I will be a mighty ship. I willtake kings and queens across the waters and sail to the corners of theworld. Everyone will feel safe in me because of the strength of myhull."

Finally the third tree said, "I want to grow to be the tallest andstraightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the Hilland look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and howclose to them! I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all timeand people will always remember me."

After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a groupof woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the first tree hesaid, "This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sellthe wood to a carpenter," And he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew that the carpenter would make him into a treasurechest.

At the second tree the woodsman said, "This looks like a strong tree, Ishould be able to sell it to the shipyard." The second tree was happybecause he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship.

When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightenedbecause he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not cometrue. One of the woodsmen said, "I don't need anything special from mytree, I'll take this one," and he cut it down.

When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feedbox for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay.This was not at all what he had prayed for.

The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat. His dreamsof being a mighty ship and carrying kings had come to an end.

The third tree was cut into large pieces and left alone in the dark.

The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams.Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and theyplaced the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the firsttree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, butthis manger would have to do The tree could feel the importance of thisevent and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time.

Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the secondtree. One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out onthe water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strongenough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and Hestood and said "Peace" and the storm stopped. At this time, the treeknew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat.

Finally, someone came and got the third tree. It was carried throughthe streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it. When theycame to a stop; the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air todie at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realizethat it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be asclose to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.

The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going yourway, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trustin Him, He will give you great gifts. Each of the trees got what theywanted, just not in the way they had imagined. We don't always knowwhat God's plans are for us. We just know that! His ways are not ourways, but His ways are always best.

May your day be blessed. And until we meet again, may God cradle you inthe palm of His hands.

Definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Couple Driving

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.”

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.”

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”

The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.“

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag.”

How to get out of a Speeding Ticket

dont speed.......but if you get caught...........DONT try this......wink wink


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding...
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.

Officer: Can I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: Oh, it's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: Yeah. Oh, but come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove
compartment when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: You have a gun in there?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the lady who owns the car. She's in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the trunk?!?

The officer tells the man to hold on, backs off carefully, and calls for backup. Quickly, the car is
surrounded by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure, Officer.

Captain: Hmm, this license is just fine. Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open the glove compartment, please, so I can see if there's a gun in
there?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

He opens it, and sure enough, there's no gun.

Captain: Would you mind if we opened the trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there.

Driver: No problem.

The trunk is opened, nothing in there but a spare tire.

Captain: The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car,
had a gun in the glove compartment, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!

Easy Steps to good Grammer

1. Don't abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don't use participles.
6. Don't use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between You and i, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized.
15. a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period
16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
17. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
18. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
19. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
20. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
21. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
22. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
23. Avoid clichés like the plague.

Retirement......PG-13 joke

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood.

As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch! He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.

The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'Screw him; give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."

Things to do in a Computer Lab

alas....i have decided to put the Things to do lists back on here.......your welcome

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream: "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the dang thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chain saw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..."
mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your
life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grinds some
more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chain saw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

Top Ten Iraq TV Shows

1. Husseinfeld

2. Mad About Everything

3. Allah McBeal

4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror

5. Achmed's Creek

6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right

7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest

8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs

10. Suddenly Sanctions

Sherlock and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

Signs your coworker is a hacker

heck yes!!!!!!

10 Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

9 She's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

8 When asked for her phone number, she gives it in hex.

7 Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6 Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5 Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez!" 295 times during the movie The Net.

4 Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3 His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

2 Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1 You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

10 Questions worth trying to answer

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

What happens if you get scared to death twice?

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you ate pasta and anti pasta , would you still be hungry?

If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

State Mottos

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona: Dehyd-rific! Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: Please Call Before Visiting So We Can Make Room

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Gateway to Iowa

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: For Sale

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!

Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Se Hablo Ingles

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin: Come To Cut Some Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?

You called the Mental Help line....

THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE MENTAL HEALTH HOT LINE...

If you're obsessive/compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you're co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you're a multiple personality, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you're paranoid and delusional, we already know what you want and who you are. Just stay on the line while we trace your call.

If you're schizophrenic, please hold, and a little voice will tell you what to press.

If you're depressed, it probably doesn't matter what you press, it won't do you any good anyway.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred To the mother ship.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maidenname.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the Beep or before the beep or after the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

Slogans that didn't Make it

Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err."

Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"

Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum."

MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."

Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be
Stupid."

Iguana: "The other green meat."

Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"

Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."

Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!"

Apple Macintosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"

Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"

Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?"

Worlds Thinnest Books

another book joke.........

20. Beauty Secrets - by Janet Reno

19. Home Built Airplanes - by John Denver

18. How To Get To The Superbowl - by Dan Marino

17. Things I Love About Bill - by Hillary Clinton

16. My Life's Memories - by Ronald Reagan

15. Things I Can't Afford - by Bill Gates

14. Things I Would Not Do For Money - by Dennis Rodman

13. The Wild Years - by Al Gore

12. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean

11. America's Most Popular Lawyers

10. Detroit - A Travel Guide

9. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches

8. Everything Men Know About Women

7. Everything Women Know About Men

6. All The Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen DeGeneres

5. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette

4. Spotted Owl Recipes - by the Sierra Club

3. The Amish Phone Directory

2. My Plan To Find The Real Killers - by O. J. Simpson

1. My Book Of Morals - by Bill Clinton

What the doctor really Means

"Well, what have we here...?"
--- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
--- I'm stalling for time.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
--- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"Let me check your medical history."
--- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news."
--- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW.The bad news is,you're going to pay for it.

"This should be taken care of right away."
--- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easyand profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Let me schedule you for some lab tests."
--- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"Let's see how it develops."
--- Maybe in a few days it will grow into somethingthat really needs to be cured.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
--- I'm writing a paper and would like to use youfor a guinea pig.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
--- I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
--- Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues.

"This should fix you up."
--- The drug company slipped me some big bucksto prescribe this stuff. Hope it works...

"Everything seems to be normal."
--- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
--- I can't figure out what's wrong.Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

Sayings that will get you out of ANYTHING

1 - Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5 - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

7 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8 - The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9 - Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10 - Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

11 - Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12 - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14 - I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15 - Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16 - All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

17 - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

18 - One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

19 - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

20 - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

21 - The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

22 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

23 - This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

24 - Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

25 - The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.

Inventions by Blondes

A book on how to read.

Inflatable dart boards

Reuseable ice cubes

Waterproof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Rolls Royce pickup truck

Turnip ice cream

See-through toilet tissue

Watermelon seed sorter

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Powdered water

Pedal-powered wheel chairs

Submarine screen doors

Mechanical-Pencil sharpeners

The water-proof towel

A Few Laughs

Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

Fantasy Headlines

New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come.

Here are this year's winners.

Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive (Valerie Moyses)

Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on rimpoge (Cheryl Chapman)

Time travel to be discovered next year (J. White)

Statisticians show that 80 per cent of damned lies are true (J. White)

Found--the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism (Stephen Thompson)

Water into wine--ancient catalyst rediscovered (Ray Heaton)

I learnt touch typing in utero, says fetus (Helena Petre)

Half-dead cat found in box--RSCPA seeks Austrian scientist (Peter Rowland)

Tony Blair cloned--regional assemblies to get one each (George Oldham)

"Dolly" Thatcher wins 10 seats in Parliament (Kevin Ennis)

Fleischman and Pons awarded Nobel prize (Kevin Ennis)

Mir operating manual discovered behind refrigerator in Moscow supermarket (Alastair Johnson)

The Universe stops expanding this week--keew siht gnidnapxe spots esrevinU ehT (Raymond Broersma)

Butterflies exterminated in Sumatra--"We WILL stop hurricanes," vows Clinton (Bonnie Ralph)

Genetically spliced yeast makes old malt whisky from remaindered books (Ronald Smith)

Meteorite hits lottery winner (Patrick Rowley)

Fermat's last memo discovered--"Sod the margin, look on the other side of the page" (Chris Moore)

Goodbye Dolly--biotechnology triumph mown down by tourist's car (Richard Collender)

"Face" on Mars proves to be optical illusion--NASA now investigating "vase" on Mars (Bruce Alcorn)

Immune system boosted by real ale (Gerald Leach)

Microsoft help helps (Mike Haslam)

"Guilt" gene isolated and destroyed--millions enjoy Christmas (Melissa Lewis)

Excuses When Caught sleeping at work

This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter - not harder.

Whew! I must have left the top off the permanent marker.

I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

I'm in the management training program.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP).

I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.

Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broken....

Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

There is a bug in my eye and I am trying to suffocate him.

The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

Children Defieing Science

The interesting ideas about science quoted here were taken from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "the most interesting information comes from the mouths of children, for they tell all they know and then stop."

Most books say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

When planets go around and around in circles we say they are orbiting. When people do it we say they are crazy.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don't why you should.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that
are still all mixed up!