Definitions

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Couple Driving

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.”

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.”

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”

The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.“

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “I’ve got the airbag.”

How to get out of a Speeding Ticket

dont speed.......but if you get caught...........DONT try this......wink wink


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding...
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.

Officer: Can I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: Oh, it's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: Yeah. Oh, but come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove
compartment when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: You have a gun in there?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the lady who owns the car. She's in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the trunk?!?

The officer tells the man to hold on, backs off carefully, and calls for backup. Quickly, the car is
surrounded by police, and the captain approaches the driver to handle the situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure, Officer.

Captain: Hmm, this license is just fine. Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open the glove compartment, please, so I can see if there's a gun in
there?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

He opens it, and sure enough, there's no gun.

Captain: Would you mind if we opened the trunk? I was told you said there's a body in there.

Driver: No problem.

The trunk is opened, nothing in there but a spare tire.

Captain: The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car,
had a gun in the glove compartment, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!

Easy Steps to good Grammer

1. Don't abbrev.
2. Check to see if you any words out.
3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. When dangling, don't use participles.
6. Don't use no double negatives.
7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
8. Just between You and i, case is important.
9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized.
15. a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period
16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
17. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
18. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
19. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
20. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
21. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
22. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
23. Avoid clichés like the plague.

Retirement......PG-13 joke

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the neighborhood.

As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch! He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the day and night of his life.

The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'Screw him; give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea."

Things to do in a Computer Lab

alas....i have decided to put the Things to do lists back on here.......your welcome

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream: "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the dang thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chain saw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..."
mysteriously.

12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your
life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grinds some
more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chain saw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

Top Ten Iraq TV Shows

1. Husseinfeld

2. Mad About Everything

3. Allah McBeal

4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror

5. Achmed's Creek

6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right

7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest

8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs

10. Suddenly Sanctions

Sherlock and Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

Signs your coworker is a hacker

heck yes!!!!!!

10 Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.

9 She's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.

8 When asked for her phone number, she gives it in hex.

7 Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6 Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5 Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez!" 295 times during the movie The Net.

4 Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3 His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.

2 Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1 You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa now, Professor I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"

10 Questions worth trying to answer

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

What happens if you get scared to death twice?

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you ate pasta and anti pasta , would you still be hungry?

If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

State Mottos

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona: Dehyd-rific! Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California: As Seen on TV

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware: Please Call Before Visiting So We Can Make Room

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Gateway to Iowa

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: Cheap Lobster

Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

Minnesota: For Sale

Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work

Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable

North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!

Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland

Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Se Hablo Ingles

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!

Washington, DC: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!

Wisconsin: Come To Cut Some Cheese

Wyoming: Wynot?

You called the Mental Help line....

THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE MENTAL HEALTH HOT LINE...

If you're obsessive/compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you're co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you're a multiple personality, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you're paranoid and delusional, we already know what you want and who you are. Just stay on the line while we trace your call.

If you're schizophrenic, please hold, and a little voice will tell you what to press.

If you're depressed, it probably doesn't matter what you press, it won't do you any good anyway.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred To the mother ship.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maidenname.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the Beep or before the beep or after the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

Slogans that didn't Make it

Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err."

Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"

Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum."

MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."

Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be
Stupid."

Iguana: "The other green meat."

Nike: "Just buy the damn shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"

Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."

Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!"

Apple Macintosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"

Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"

Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?"

Worlds Thinnest Books

another book joke.........

20. Beauty Secrets - by Janet Reno

19. Home Built Airplanes - by John Denver

18. How To Get To The Superbowl - by Dan Marino

17. Things I Love About Bill - by Hillary Clinton

16. My Life's Memories - by Ronald Reagan

15. Things I Can't Afford - by Bill Gates

14. Things I Would Not Do For Money - by Dennis Rodman

13. The Wild Years - by Al Gore

12. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean

11. America's Most Popular Lawyers

10. Detroit - A Travel Guide

9. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches

8. Everything Men Know About Women

7. Everything Women Know About Men

6. All The Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen DeGeneres

5. Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette

4. Spotted Owl Recipes - by the Sierra Club

3. The Amish Phone Directory

2. My Plan To Find The Real Killers - by O. J. Simpson

1. My Book Of Morals - by Bill Clinton

What the doctor really Means

"Well, what have we here...?"
--- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
--- I'm stalling for time.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
--- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"Let me check your medical history."
--- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news."
--- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW.The bad news is,you're going to pay for it.

"This should be taken care of right away."
--- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easyand profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Let me schedule you for some lab tests."
--- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"Let's see how it develops."
--- Maybe in a few days it will grow into somethingthat really needs to be cured.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
--- I'm writing a paper and would like to use youfor a guinea pig.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
--- I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."
--- Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues.

"This should fix you up."
--- The drug company slipped me some big bucksto prescribe this stuff. Hope it works...

"Everything seems to be normal."
--- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
--- I can't figure out what's wrong.Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

Sayings that will get you out of ANYTHING

1 - Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5 - Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough.

7 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

8 - The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

9 - Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

10 - Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

11 - Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

12 - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

13 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

14 - I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

15 - Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

16 - All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

17 - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

18 - One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

19 - By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

20 - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

21 - The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

22 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

23 - This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

24 - Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.

25 - The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a 'do it yourself' thing.

Inventions by Blondes

A book on how to read.

Inflatable dart boards

Reuseable ice cubes

Waterproof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Rolls Royce pickup truck

Turnip ice cream

See-through toilet tissue

Watermelon seed sorter

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Powdered water

Pedal-powered wheel chairs

Submarine screen doors

Mechanical-Pencil sharpeners

The water-proof towel

A Few Laughs

Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

Fantasy Headlines

New Scientist has a competition each year in which readers are invited to let their dreams unfold and tell the world the headline they would most like to see (in New Scientist) in the year to come.

Here are this year's winners.

Pope Joan-Paula I approves new contraceptive (Valerie Moyses)

Indestrooktibul spel chequer virrus on rimpoge (Cheryl Chapman)

Time travel to be discovered next year (J. White)

Statisticians show that 80 per cent of damned lies are true (J. White)

Found--the gene that causes belief in genetic determinism (Stephen Thompson)

Water into wine--ancient catalyst rediscovered (Ray Heaton)

I learnt touch typing in utero, says fetus (Helena Petre)

Half-dead cat found in box--RSCPA seeks Austrian scientist (Peter Rowland)

Tony Blair cloned--regional assemblies to get one each (George Oldham)

"Dolly" Thatcher wins 10 seats in Parliament (Kevin Ennis)

Fleischman and Pons awarded Nobel prize (Kevin Ennis)

Mir operating manual discovered behind refrigerator in Moscow supermarket (Alastair Johnson)

The Universe stops expanding this week--keew siht gnidnapxe spots esrevinU ehT (Raymond Broersma)

Butterflies exterminated in Sumatra--"We WILL stop hurricanes," vows Clinton (Bonnie Ralph)

Genetically spliced yeast makes old malt whisky from remaindered books (Ronald Smith)

Meteorite hits lottery winner (Patrick Rowley)

Fermat's last memo discovered--"Sod the margin, look on the other side of the page" (Chris Moore)

Goodbye Dolly--biotechnology triumph mown down by tourist's car (Richard Collender)

"Face" on Mars proves to be optical illusion--NASA now investigating "vase" on Mars (Bruce Alcorn)

Immune system boosted by real ale (Gerald Leach)

Microsoft help helps (Mike Haslam)

"Guilt" gene isolated and destroyed--millions enjoy Christmas (Melissa Lewis)

Excuses When Caught sleeping at work

This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter - not harder.

Whew! I must have left the top off the permanent marker.

I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

I'm in the management training program.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP).

I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.

Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broken....

Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

There is a bug in my eye and I am trying to suffocate him.

The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

Children Defieing Science

The interesting ideas about science quoted here were taken from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "the most interesting information comes from the mouths of children, for they tell all they know and then stop."

Most books say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

When planets go around and around in circles we say they are orbiting. When people do it we say they are crazy.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don't why you should.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that
are still all mixed up!

Email me or ELSE

You guys can email me at my alt
email address.........

happygolucky@spl.at

its a real address......so email me!!!
hint hint......my birthday's
AUGUST 21st

Economics

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on some nation with cows and naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind. You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS: You have two cows. They are both mad.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an Ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and Market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 17 cows. You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

INDIAN ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You worship them.

BANGLADESH ECONOMICS: You have two cows. You don't know economy. You choose one of them as the Prime Minister of the country and the other as the Leader of the Opposition.

The Lie-Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Nelson Mandela's. The hands have never moved, indicating that he never told a lie." Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan!"

Santa........impossible

First off, Santa was invented to take the real meaning out of Christmas by the devil. But here are some other fun facts about Santa that makes him imaginary.....

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18 ) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second or 3000 times the speed of sound.
For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500,000 (half a million!) tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them--Santa would need 360,000 of them.

This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
554,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance--this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second, each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.

Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 mps in 0.001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink sludge.

Merry Christmas.

Reasons to go to Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your butt in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that, with a little help from Muzak, you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resumé.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

11. No one steals your chair.

How to be the WORST DATE

1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.

2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.

3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

5. Repeat every third third word you say say.

6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most obnoxious" for your high school yearbook.

7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.8. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

8. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.

9. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your armsoutstretched, and make airplane sounds.

10. Order a bucket of lard.

11. Ask for crayons to color the place mat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.

12. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking.

13. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

14. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do. Or, eat leftover food from other tables.

15. Drool.

16. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.

17. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.

18. Excuse yourself to use the rest room. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her, "What took you so long in the rest room???"

19. Recite limericks to the people at the table next to you.

20. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

21. Beg your date to tattoo your name on his/her body in awkward places.

12 Reasons to Laugh

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping..." Now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Why do you have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier!!"

Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

The Cowboy

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon
When he finished his drink, he found his horse stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without looking, and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And you don't want me to do what I dun in Texas!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. They knew not to underestimate the word of a Texan, especially one who had a few too many beers.

The man finished off a few more beers and walked outside where his horse had been returned.
He saddled up, and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar, and saw the man stumbling to get on his horse.

"Say, partner," he said, "before you go...what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Successful Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard runs into him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Don't Lie to Mom

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.

You Know its going to be a Bad Day When......

...your twin sister forgets your birthday.
...you wake up face down on the pavement.
...you put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
...you call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
...you see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.
...your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
...your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
...you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party, and there aren't any.
...you turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
...the woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.
...you wake up to discover that your water bed broke and then you realize that you don't have a water bed.
...your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
...you get a rejection notice from the HUMOR List server saying that you're no longer funny
...you open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads:
"WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"

Inspiring Slogans

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did it by killing everyone who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. (that’s right)

6. Plagiarism saves time.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves.

10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

23 Essential Truths

1. A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. A ceiling Fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) will not stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it is too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke. Lots of smoke.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

New Years Resolutions You Can Keep

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.
7. Get in a whole NEW rut!
8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.
9. Don't eat cloned meat.
10. Create loose ends.
11. Get more toys.
12. Get further in debt.
13. Don't believe politicians.
14. Break at least one traffic law.
15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
17. Associate with even worse business clients.
18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.
19. Wait around for opportunity.
20. Focus on the faults of others.
21. Mope about faults.
22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

Books that Didn't Make It

Books that Didnt Make It

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

You drink too much Coffee When.....

This is a great one......favs. in red


You know you drink too much Coffee When.....

Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You watch videos in fast-forward.

You lick your coffeepot clean.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You've worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You've worn the finish off you coffee table.

The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.

Starbuck's owns the mortgage on your house.

You're so wired you pick up FM radio.

Your life's goal is to "amount to a hill of beans."

Instant coffee takes too long.

You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.

You name your cats Cream and Sugar.

Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

Redneck 911 Call

Redneck 911 Call

A couple of redneck hunters are out in

the woods when one of them falls

to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing

and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other redneck starts to panic, then

whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator,

"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died.

He's Dead! What can I do?"

The operator, trying to calm him says,

"Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and

follow my instructions. First, lets make sure he's dead.

"There's a short pause, and then the

operator hears a loud gun shot!!!

The redneck comes back on the

line and says, "OK, now what?"

Don't deny your inner idiot.....

Sorry

sorry about the language on the pep rally thing.......dont read it if you dont want to read about me being super mad and mouthy.........srry

Top Amish Spring Break Activities

Yeah i know, just in time cause its september........these are freakin hilarious.......again, my favorites are the ones in different colors.

Top Amish Spring Break Activities

1. Drink molasses 'til you heave
2. Wet bonnet contest
3. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
4. Buttermilk kegger
5. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really rad Clydesdale
6. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns"
7. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers
8. Sleep 'til 6 AM
9. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite rear
10. Churn butter naked

Pep Rally

I am being sensored........so every bad word is spelt funny : )

I am disgusted about our pep rally today at school. To you cheerleaders, (royalties to Ben)
You w h OR e!!!!! You s l u t y w **res!!!! The state complains about all these chicks getting pregnant and you just dance your "little pro s t i t u t e" hearts out dont you?? And "i love rock and roll" by britney spears???? Whats the heck's wrong with you!!!!! POSEURS!!! You'd look less sk an ky with out your skirts on!!! And cheerleaders dont help the team win with their little dainty voices going 'go team fight team yay team' people yelling in the stands at the top of their lungs and screaming to death do.......who do you think they hear? "a-t-t-a-c-k" or "DEFFENSE DEFFENSE DEFFENSE!!!"
I hate cheerleaders...........comment if you agree!!
good luck on saturday clyde...........screw you cheerleaders.........

Insanity Warning Signs

Insanity Warning Signs

1. Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.


2. Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

3. You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

4. You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

5. Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

6. You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

7. You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

8. Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

9. People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

10. Your breath smells more and more like squirrel each passing day.

11. You laugh out loud during funerals.

12. When your doctor tells you to say ah, you yell out "RAPE! RAPE!"

13. Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

14. You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

15. You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

16. Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

17. You collect dead windowsill flies.

18. Everytime the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

19. You like cats. Especially with mayo.

22. You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.

23. You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

24. Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

25. You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

27, Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

28. Melba toast excites you.

29. When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

30. You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

32. You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

35. You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

36. You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

37. You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

38. You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

39. People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

40. Your reading this and you see numbers missing.

Exam Fun

Fun things to do in a final exam that you have not studiedfor, and you are going to fail the class anyways! My favorites in another color.

Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

Bring cheerleaders.

Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

Bring pets.

On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

The New School Prayer

Great poem.......author unknown

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or greem.
That’s no offense; it’s a freedom scene.
The law is specific, he law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God’s name is prohibited by the state.

We’re allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks
They’ve outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote he Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,

And the ‘unwed daddy,’ our Senior King.
It’s “inappropriate” to teach right from wrong,
We’re taught that such “judgments” do not belong.

We can get out condoms and birth controls,

Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.

It’s scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school’s a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot: my soul please take!
Amen

If you aren’t ashamed to do this, please pass this on.
Jesus said, ”if you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed
of you before my Father”
Not ashamed...and Passing this on . . .